F13: Rebuilding Trust In One Another
Trust is easier to lose than to gain—whether in personal relationships, business networks, or with your team. A growing lack of trust in each other and our institutions is fueled by politics, social media, and misinformation. But when things go wrong, we’re not doomed. If trust is lost, according to trust expert Rachel Botsman, and her new book, How To Trust and Be Trusted, the key to rebuilding trust lies in meaningful, sometimes uncomfortable conversations. Studies show that nearly 60% of people recognize the need to improve trust, but many avoid the tough talks. By addressing issues directly, fostering connection, and showing respect, trust can be restored. While it seems obvious, it’s seldom practiced, but it goes a long way in rebuilding the bridge that was once there.
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F13: REBUILDING TRUST IN ONE ANOTHER
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AROUND SOMEONE SO SET IN THEIR WAYS ON A SOCIAL OR POLITICAL ISSUE, THAT THEY WORK THEMSELVES UP WHEN THEY’RE AT HOME IN FRONT OF THE TV, AND THEY SWEAR THEY COULD NEVER TRUST ANYONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISSUE?
THEN THIS SAME PERSON SPENDS SOME TIME WITH SOMEONE THEY RESPECT, WHO HAPPENS TO BE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ISSUE, AND, AFTER SOME TIME TOGETHER, DISCUSSING DIFFERENCES REASONABLY, THEIR OPINION ON THE ISSUE SOFTENS.
IT’S COMMON. CONNECTION AND RESPECT GOES A LONG WAY TO BRINGING PEOPLE BACK TO A MORE REASONABLE POSITION.
WHEN WE LOOK AT THE CURRENT POLITICAL DIVIDE, WHERE IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE TWO GROUPS OF PEOPLE WITH TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUE SYSTEMS, THE ISSUES ARE ACTUALLY LESS ABOUT VALUES, AND MORE RELATED TO AN EROSION OF TRUST.
THIS EPISODE ISN’T ABOUT DISAGREEMENTS OVER POLITICS – IT’S ABOUT ANY TRICKY SITUATION WHERE TRUST IS UP IN THE AIR. WHAT’S REASSURING, IS THAT THIS TRUST DEFICIT IS EASIER TO REPAIR THAN MOST OF US THINK – HOWEVER, WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN RESOLVE OUR ISSUES DEPENDS ON HOW COMFORTABLE WE CAN GET WITH A LITTLE DISCOMFORT.
EPISODE
IT’S A SHAME WHEN GOOD RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN GOOD PEOPLE FALL APART DUE TO ISSUES WITH TRUST. WE’VE ALL HAD IT HAPPEN. SOMETIMES THERE ARE REAL CHARACTER ISSUES, AND IT’S BEST TO END THE RELATIONSHIP AND MOVE ON, BUT OFTENTIMES, THAT ISN’T POSSIBLE, LIKE IN WORK RELATIONSHIPS, BETWEEN CLOSE FAMILY, OR WITHIN SOCIAL NETWORKS.
OUR PREOCCUPATION WITH TRUST IS SUBSTANTIAL….IN FACT, IN OUR LIVES WE’LL SPEND A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF OUR TIME WORRYING ABOUT TRUST, AND STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT ROUGHLY 90% OF TIME, OUR CONCERN IS UNJUSTIFIED.
ACCORDING TO A PEW RESEARCH CENTER SURVERY IN 2024, ADULTS IN THE UNITED STATES, ACROSS THE BOARD, ARE STRUGGLING WITH TRUST.
WHEN IT COMES TO OUR FEDERAL INSTITUTIONS, AND I DON’T THINK THIS WILL BE A SURPRISE TO ANYONE, WHEN ADULTS WERE ASKED WHETHER OR NOT THEY TRUST THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO DO THE RIGHT THING – A WHOPPING 78% SAID NO. ACCORDING TO THE CENTER, TRUST IN GOVERNMENT HAS PLUMMETED STEADILY SINCE 2001.
THE SAME KIND OF STATISTICS WERE FOUND AS IT RELATES TO OUR NATION’S INFORMATION SOURCES, AND SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS.
BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR CONFIDENCE IN ONE ANOTHER? DOES OUR LACK OF TRUST IN OUR INSTITUTIONS SPILL OVER INTO OUR CONFIDENCE IN US?
IN A PEW RESEARCH STUDY, 71% OF AMERICAN ADULTS BELIEVED THAT AMERICANS ARE LESS CONFIDENT IN EACH OTHER THAN THEY WERE 20 YEARS AGO. NOT A SHOCK.
AND WHEN ASKED THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY THEY THINK THIS IS, 60% SAID POLITICS OR GOVERNMENT, 12% SAID SOCIAL MEDIA, AND 11% SAID NEWS MEDIA.
AND, WHEN THESE THINGS AREN’T CAUSING THE PROBLEM, IT’S LITTLE THINGS THAT CAUSE DISCONNECTS AT WORK….LIKE JACOB IN ACCOUNTING TELLING LISA THAT SHE SHOULDN’T APPLY FOR THE OPEN POSITION AND THEN SURE ENOUGH, HE DOES….
IF THERE’S GOOD NEWS HERE, IT’S THAT WE KNOW THERE’S A PROBLEM WITH TRUSTING ONE ANOTHER, AND…. NEARLY 6-IN-10 PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT IT’S VERY IMPORTANT TO IMPROVE IT.
SO, WE HAVE IDENTIFIED AN ISSUE AND THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS HAVE THE WILL TO FIX IT.
BUT HOW DO WE FIX IT?
RACHEL BOTSMAN IS AN OXFORD UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR, LEADING EXPERT ON TRUST IN THE MODERN WORLD, AND AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, “HOW TO TRUST AND BE TRUSTED.”
SHE OUTLINES HOW TRUST IS A MOVING TARGET IN RELATIONSHIPS, AND WHEN THERE ARE PROBLEMS WITH TRUST, IT’S MORE ABOUT THE ABSENCE OF CONNECTION THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
BEFORE GETTING INTO THAT, IT’S FIRST IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE WE UNDERSTAND HOW DISTRUST WORKS:
SHE OUTLINES DISTRUST DEVELOPING IN THREE PHASES. THE FIRST PHASE IS DEFENSIVENESS. WE KNOW WHEN WE’RE IN THIS PHASE BECAUSE THERE’S BLAMING, ATTACKING, OR BEING CRITICAL. IF NOT ADDRESSED, IT CAN THEN LEAD TO THE SECOND PHASE, DISENGAGEMENT. THIS IS WHEN THERE’S LITTLE MOTIVATION TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM OR THE PERSON WITH WHOM TRUST HAS DISSOLVED. THE THIRD PHASE, WHICH LEADS TO REAL PROBLEMS, IS DISENCHANTMENT, WHERE DISTRUST MANIFESTS IN RESENTMENT AND VINDICTIVE BEHAVIOR.
ACCORDING TO MS. BOTSMAN, THE ROCKET FUEL FOR REPARING TRUST IS HAVING DIFFICULT, BUT RESPECTFUL AND PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS.
THIS MAY SEEM INTUITIVE, BUT IT’S RARELY PRACTICED.
BY IDENTIFYING WHAT’S A STAKE IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND BEING VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT INCIDENT CAUSED THE LACK OF TRUST, THE RELATIONSHIP HAS AN INCRIMENTALLY GREATER CHANCE OF STEERING CLEAR OF DISENCHANTMENT.
BUT PREVENTING THIS TAKES WORK, AND IT TAKES BEING WILLING TO SPEND THE ENERGY FIXING IT AND FEELING DISCOMFORT.
THE REASON IT WORKS IS BECAUSE BY SHOWING YOU’RE WILLING TO FEEL DISCOMFORT IN A DIRECT CONVERSATION, YOU’RE SHOWING RESPECT, AND WHEN YOU SHOW RESPECT, YOU FIND IT IN RETURN.
HARD CONVERSATIONS…ARE…HARD…AND AS A SOCIETY, OUR TRUST IN ONE ANOTHER PAYS THE PRICE BY NOT HAVING THEM.
IT BRINGS ME BACK TO THE PERSON SCREAMING AT THEIR TV, SWEARING TO NEVER TRUST ANYONE ON THE OTHER SIDE. AND LISA STEWING IN HER DESK INSTEAD OF TALKING WITH JACOB IN ACCOUNTING.
THE PROBLEM IS IN THE ABSENCE OF CONNECTION THAT MS. BOTSMAN IDENTIFIED.
IT’S WAY TOO EASY TO GET STUCK BEHIND OUR DEVICES, ONLY LISTENING TO THE PEOPLE SAYING THE THINGS WE’RE COMFORTABLE HEARING.
BUT WE CAN BENEFIT FROM FROM TRUSTING WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW, THAT DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS ARE THE KEY TO RESPECTING ONE ANOTHER, IF WE CAN ONLY BELIEVE AGAIN THAT IT’S OK TO HAVE THEM.
https://www.pushkin.fm/audiobooks/how-to-trust-and-be-trusted
https://www.pewtrusts.org/en/trend/archive/fall-2024/americans-deepening-mistrust-of-institutions
https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2019/07/22/the-state-of-personal-trust/