F16: Getting Better In The Dark
There’s nothing more frustrating than someone telling you to be more hopeful. It almost seems impossible, and even insulting, when you’re feeling down. According to a new book by Dr. William Miller of The University of New Mexico titled 8 Ways To Hope, you can push aside the lofty approach of simply wishing things were better, and you can access hope in a number of methodical, concrete ways. This episode takes you through his method and provides a little perspective on finding hope even when it seems impossible.
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F16: GETTING BETTER IN THE DARK
WHEN I WAS IN FOURTH GRADE, MICHAEL JORDAN WAS JUST BECOMING A HOUSEHOLD NAME AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE MIKE, SO I SIGNED UP TO PLAY BASKETBALL FOR THE FIRST TIME. I WAS ATHLETIC ENOUGH, BUT I HADN’T BEEN EXPOSED TO MUCH BASKETBALL.
IN OUR FIRST GAME, I WAS LOST. THE GAME WAS MOVING FAST AND I FELT COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. I WAS BROUGHT OFF THE BENCH JUST AS THE SECOND QUARTER STARTED, AND I GOT A LITTLE TURNED AROUND, NOT REALIZING THAT TEAMS CHANGE DIRECTIONS AFTER EACH QUARTER. IT WAS A JUMP BALL AT THE TOP OF THE KEY. THE BALL CAME TO ME AND I WAS AMAZED AT MY ABILITY TO MOVE RIGHT THROUGH THE DEFENDERS AND SCORE. UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS THE WRONG BASKET. 2 POINTS FOR THE OTHER GUYS. THE REF LOOKED AT ME, HANDED ME THE BALL AND SAID, “GOOD NEWS, KID, IT’S STILL YOUR BALL!”
I WAS HUMILIATED, AND MY TEAMMATES DIDN’T LET ME FORGET IT. BUT I FINISHED THE GAME WITHOUT SCORING ANY MORE POINTS FOR THE OTHER TEAM, AND THEN HEADED HOME FEELING LOST AND HOPELESS.
I HID IN MY ROOM. I WANTED TO QUIT. I SWORE I’D NEVER PLAY AGAIN. BUT EVENTUALLY, MY FRUSTRATION FADED, AND I DID SOMETHING SMALL TO TAKE ACTION. I SWAPPED WHATEVER WAS ON THE TOP OF MY SANTA CLAUSE LIST TO A BASKETBALL HOOP, AND NOT LONG AFTER, LUCKILY FOR ME, HE DELIVERED.
LITTLE BY LITTLE, I GAINED CONFIDENCE. I WATCHED COLLEGE BASKETBALL ON TV WHENEVER IT WAS ON, AND I SHOT ON THE HOOP EVERY NIGHT UNDER THE STARS FOR AS LONG AS MY PARENTS WOULD LET ME. I ENVISIONED MYSELF PLAYING WELL.
I WAS NEVER LIKE MIKE, BUT I DID GET BETTER AND EVEN MADE THE ALL-STAR TEAM, BUT I ATTRIBUTE ANY SUCCESS I HAD TO ALL THOSE HOURS IN THE DRIVEWAY, GETTING BETTER IN THE DARK.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PUSHING THROUGH CHALLENGING PERIODS IN YOUR LIFE, NOT BY WISHING, BUT BY MANUFACTURING THE HOPE YOU NEED.
EPISODE
IN 1977 THERE WAS A STUDY DONE BY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AT AN ALCOHOL REHAB CLINIC. EACH OF THE PATIENTS’ RECORDS WERE RANDOMLY ASSIGNED A LABEL, EITHER “HIGH RECOVERY POTENTIAL” OR “LOW RECOVERY POTENTIAL.” THE PATIENTS HAPPENED TO ALL BE AT THE SAME STAGE, WITH THE SAME POTENTIAL FOR RECOVERY, BUT THE STUDY WAS DESIGNED TO SEE IF THE RECOVERY RESULTS DIFFERED WHEN COUNSELORS WERE SHOWN DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS. WHAT THE STUDY SHOWED WAS THAT COUNSELOR EXPECTATIONS SIGNIFICANTLY CHANGED THE COURSE OF TREATMENT FOR A PATIENT’S RECOVERY. THE GROUP LABELED “HIGH RECOVERY POTENTIAL” MADE MUCH BIGGER STRIDES.
WHAT THE DATA SIGNALED WAS THE CURIOUS AFFECT OF THE CONTAGION OF HOPE.
HOPE ISN’T A NAÏVE APPROACH TO SEEING THE WORLD AS SOME PEOPLE MAY SUGGEST, BUT RATHER, IT’S A COMPLEX RESPONSE WITH REAL WORLD IMPLICATIONS.
DR. WILLIAM MILLER IS A PSYCHOLOGY PROFESSOR AMERITUS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO, WHO HAS SPENT MUCH OF HIS CAREER WORKING WITH PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION AND LACKING HOPE. HIS NEW BOOK, 8 WAYS TO HOPE, FOCUSES ON MAKING HOPE EASIER TO GRASP DURING A CHALLENGING TIME.
THE BENEFITS OF BEING HOPEFUL VS. BEING CYNICAL ARE PROVEN. MY FOURTH FRIDAY EPISODE, CYNICISM ISN’T TRUSTWORTHY, OUTLINED MANY OF THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ADVANTAGES OF BEING LESS CYNICAL.
AND HOPE IS CONTAGIOUS, LIKE IN THE ALCOHOL REHAB STUDY. A SIMPLE HOPEFUL EXPECTATION CAN PRODUCE REMARKABLE RESULTS.
THE RUB IS, WHEN YOU’RE REALLY DOWN AND FEELING HELPLESS, HAVING SOMEONE TELL YOU TO SUMMON YOUR HOPE CAN FEEL INSULTING. EVEN INFURIATING.
DR. MILLER’S BOOK IS ABOUT THE POWER OF PRACTICING IN THE DARK. IT DOES A GOOD JOB OF EXPLAINING THAT HOPE CAN BE ACCESSED FROM A DARK PLACE BY ANY COMBINATION OF 8 DIFFERENT FACETS. HE EXPLAINS HOW EACH ONE HAS CLEAR, CONCRETE HANDLES TO GRAB ONTO THAT ARE LESS ABOUT NAÏVE WISHING, AND MORE ABOUT SCIENCE AND LOGIC.
THE EIGHT FACETS?
THE FIRST IS DESIRE: HE DISCUSSES THE IMPORTANCE OF WANTING A CERTAIN OUTCOME.
HIS SECOND FACET APPEALS TO YOUR LOGIC AND THE PROBABILITY OF IMPROVEMENT: IN THIS CALCULATION HE TALKS ABOUT HOW NEGATIVITY, BIASES, AND PREJUDICE MIGHT CLOUD OUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE LIKELIHOOD OF A POSITIVE OUTCOME.
THE THIRD IS SLIGHTLY LOFTIER THAN PROBABILITY – IT’S POSSIBILITY: JUST SEEING A POSSIBLE PATH FORWARD CAN HAVE A MAJOR IMPACT.
THE NEXT IS OPTIMISM: BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT’S A MUSCLE WE CAN DEVELOP, AND THE BOOK HAS EXERCISES TO HELP BULK UP.
NUMBER FIVE IS TRUST: IT DISCUSSES THE BENEFITS OF MAKING THE RISKY CHOICE TO BELIEVE IN PEOPLE, AND WHAT THAT DOES TO YOUR HOPE.
MEANING & PURPOSE ARE NUMBER SIX: DIGGING IN TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE CAN BE A FANTASTIC WAY TO CONNECT WITH HOPE.
NUMBER 7 IS PERSEVERANCE: THIS FACET IS ALL ABOUT ACTION. HE SAYS THAT WHILE HOPE CAN SPARK ACTION, IT WORKS JUST AS WELL THE OTHER WAY AROUND - FORCING ACTION CAN SPARK HOPE.
THE FINAL FACET IS CALLED HOPE BEYOND HOPE. THIS IS TIED TO REFUSAL TO QUIT. IF YOU CAN FIND RESOLVE TO NEVER GIVE UP, YOU CAN SHORT-CIRCUIT YOUR WAY TO FINDING HOPE.
LIKE MOST THINGS IN LIFE…. INLCUDING SKILLS ON A BASKETBALL COURT, HOPE DOESN’T ALWAYS JUST HAPPEN. FOR SOME IT COMES NATURALLY. BUT FOR THOSE STRUGGLING, IT’S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO FIND IT…IT MAY JUST TAKE SHOOTING FOR A LITTLE WHILE IN THE DARK.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-08241-001
https://findings.org.uk/PHP/dl.php?f=Leake_GJ_1.txt