F11: Working For Happiness
As children we all heard stories about true happiness. It usually involved some sort of perfect situation where someone suddenly found happiness. Then we got older and realized that it doesn’t really work that way. Happiness isn’t something that you stumble into, but rather, it’s something more elusive and obscure that you try to aim your life toward. In this episode, we learn about Dr. Laurie Santos, professor of psychology at Yale University, and her incredible work around the science of happiness.
After listening, if you’re interested in learning more about Dr. Santos, you should listen in to The Happiness Lab, her top-rated podcast where she goes into detail about how you can live a happier life.
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F11: WORKING FOR HAPPINESS
DO YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE TALK ABOUT FINDING HAPPINESS…AS IF IT WERE A DESTINATION? AS KIDS, A LOT OF US GREW UP HEARING A PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD MESSAGE, OFTEN THROUGH CHILDRENS BOOKS OR MOVIES, WHERE SOMEONE STUMBLES INTO OR ABRUPTLY ARRIVES AT HAPPINESS.
AS WE GET OLDER, WE FIND THAT ISN’T EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS…. HAPPINESS IS A MOVING TARGET….AND IT’S NORMAL TO START TO QUESTION IF WE’RE DOING THINGS RIGHT. WE ADJUST OUR LIVES TO SEE IF THAT WORKS: NEW JOBS, HAIRSTYLES, HOBBIES, SPOUSES – OFTEN IN PURSUIT OF THIS ABSTRACT FEELING.
WELL, THERE’S GOOD NEWS. WHILE WE’RE STILL GOING TO STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS THE WAY WE THOUGHT WE WOULD WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, BEING A HAPPY PERSON NOW IS MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE…IF WE WANT TO LEARN HOW. THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF THE WORK BEING DONE AROUND THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS.
EPISODE
IN THE LAST THIRTY YEARS, THERE HAVE BEEN A HANDFUL OF SCIENTIFIC STUDIES ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WISH FOR. ONE OF THE THINGS THEY LEARNED WAS THAT IF PEOPLE WERE GIVEN A CHANCE TO RUB A SHINY LAMP AND SUMMON A GENIE THAT CAME OUT AND GRANTED THEM THREE WISHES, THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE THAT THEIR THREE WISHES WOULD BE AMONG THE FOLLOWING: HEALTH, WEALTH, LOVE, HAPPINESS, SUCCESS, AND PERSONAL GROWTH. ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCH, THE MOST FREQUENTLY WISHED FOR WISH IN THE GENIE AND LAMP SCENARIO, WAS HAPPINESS.
IT'S THE THING WE ALL WANT AND WE TRY SO HARD TO FIND IT….AND WE’RE ALL CONDITIONED TO FAIL AT GETTING IT….. MISERABLY.
BUT WHY DO WE FAIL? WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?
THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP EXLAIN.
DR. LAURIE SANTOS IS THE CHANDRIKA AND RANJAN PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AND HEAD OF SILLIMAN COLLEGE AT YALE UNIVERSITY, AND SHE IS AN EXPERT IN THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS. HER COURSE AT YALE, PSYCHOLOGY AND THE GOOD LIFE, IS THE MOST POPULAR COURSE AT THE UNIVERSITY IN OVER 300 YEARS, WITH NEARLY 25% OF GRADUATES HAVING TAKEN THE CLASS. IT’S SO POPULAR, THAT SHE HAS PUBLISHED AN ONLINE VERSION OF THE COURSE TO HELP WITH DEMAND, AND HER WORK HAS BEEN FEATURED ON THE MAJOR NEWS NETWORKS AND TALK SHOWS.
THE REASON THE COURSE IS SO COMPELLING IS THE EXACT SAME REASON PEOPLE ANSWER THE WAY THEY DO WHEN GIVEN THREE WISHES. HAPPINESS IS ELUSIVE, AND IT’S THE THING MANY OF US WANT THE MOST….AND, WELL…. WE BELIEVE WE CAN’T BE HAPPY UNTIL WE GET WHAT WE NEED TO BE HAPPY.
AND THIS IS ONE OF THE KEY POINTS IN DR. SANTOS’S CLASS.
EARLY ON IN THE COURSE, SHE ASKS STUDENTS TO FILL IN THE BLANK IN THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE: IF I ONLY HAD ________ I’D BE SO HAPPY.” STUDENTS JUMP TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION BECAUSE THEY ALL THINK THEY KNOW THE ANSWER.
EACH CLASS SHE HEARS THE SAME THINGS: MONEY, RELATIONSHIPS, HEALTH, ETC.
SHE INFORMS THEM THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, MOST LIKELY, WHAT EACH OF THEM HAVE FILLED IN THE BLANK IS WRONG. IT’S WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS REFER TO AS “MISWANTING”….THE ACT OF BEING MISTAKEN ABOUT WHAT AND HOW MUCH YOU WILL LIKE SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE.
ONCE SHE GETS HER CLASS TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT, SHE THEN BREAKS DOWN THE ANSWERS THE STUDENTS SHARED, AND PRESENTS THE SCIENTIFIC REASONS WHY THESE THINGS DON’T ACTUALLY MAKE PEOPLE HAPPIER. SHE MAKES SENSE OF WHAT OUR MINDS ARE GETTING WRONG.
SHE THEN DIVES INTO THE MEAT OF THE COURSE AND SHARES THE DRIVERS OF HAPPINESS. CONCEPTS LIKE GRATITUDE. HOW CONNECTING WITH THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR AND SHARING YOUR GRATITUDE FOR OTHERS DIRECTLY WITH THEM ARE INCREDIBLY POWERFUL AT IMPROVING HAPPINESS.
SHE ALSO TALKS ABOUT KINDNESS AND GIVING. ALL THE RAGE THESE DAYS IS ABOUT SELF CARE, BUT IT’S BEEN PROVEN THAT, WHILE IT’S IMPORTANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOU GET SHORT-TERM GAINS AND A BOOST TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WHEN YOU DO SO, IT DOESN’T MAKE US HAPPIER. WHAT DOES MAKE US HAPPIER IS RANDOM ACTS OF KINDESS, AND GIVING OUR TIME, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOME OF OUR DISCRETIONARY INCOME, TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT’S FUNNY IS, WE ALL PROBABLY KNOW THIS DEEP DOWN…. YES, BEING GOOD TO PEOPLE AND SHARING CONNECTION DOES MAKE US HAPPY – WE’VE DONE IT AND WE’VE FELT IT. BUT, ONCE WE BECOME ADULTS, OPPORTUNITY COSTS FACTOR IN AND WE DON’T DO KIND THINGS FOR OTHERS OR EXPRESS OUR GRATITUDE FOR OTHERS AS MUCH AS WE WANT TO. WE RATIONALIZE OUR OTHER WANTS INSTEAD.
SO OFTEN WHEN I HEAR ABOUT SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS, I QUESTION HOW VALID THE RESULTS ARE. THEN I IGNORE WHAT I LEARNED AND GO BACK TO DOING WHETEVER IT WAS I WAS DOING BEFORE. IN THE CASE OF DR. SANTOS AND HER RESEARCH, IT’S DIFFERENT, BECAUSE THERE’S THAT THING WAY BACK IN MY BRAIN THAT KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TEACHING IS RIGHT. THE QUESTION STILL LOOMING IN MY MIND IS…. IF THIS IS SO STRAIGHTFORWARD, WHY ARE SO MANY OF US STILL CHASING OUR WANTS AND FUMBLING OUR HAPPINESS? THAT ANSWER IS COMPLICATED…. I’M GUESSING AT LEAST PART OF THE ANSWER LIES IN HUMAN NATURE AND CONDITIONING AND EXPECTATIONS, AND FOR SOME, WHETHER OR NOT WE WANT OR EVEN THINK WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY….BUT THAT’S A BIGGER QUESTION FOR A DIFFERENT EPISODE.
FOR NOW, IT’S GREAT TO KNOW THIS WORK IS BEING DONE. IT’S COMPLEX AND AT THE SAME TIME, VERY SIMPLE, AND IT’S BEAUTIFULLY LAID OUT FOR US TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPIER. IN THE END, IT ALL COMES DOWN TO WHETHER OR NOT WE HAVE THE STRENGTH…TO FIND IT.
IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT DR. SANTOS AND HER WORK ON HAPPINESS, CONSIDER LISTENING TO THE HAPPINESS LAB, HER WILDLY SUCCESSFUL PODCAST – OR HEAD TO WWW.DRLAURIESANTOS.COM.
https://www.drlauriesantos.com/about
https://s3.amazonaws.com/peezer/PSYC157.syllabusupdated2018.pdf
https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast